The waiting is the hardest part

So here I sit waiting for my treatments to be over. As I sit I'm thinking of how much longer I'll have to wait until the heat & humidity break and I'll feel better. Then I wonder if I'm really just waiting for the perverbial shoe to drop and face another exacerbation. Lying beneath the surface of all this I'm still waiting on my big trip to NC to get evaluated at Duke for lung transplant. And last but certainly not least I'm waiting for new lungs. This is the hardest kind of waiting of all.

Why is this waiting hard? Well the eternal optimist in me (although sometime's her voice has been a bit quiet lately) is hoping these lungs make it AT LEAST another 2 years or so. Really I do think this is possible. But is another five or more possible? Lately my body is giving me signals no. Not to be a Debbie downer or anything but my body is just getting more tired of fighting. My energy level is down quite a bit from my late 30s. Of course maybe it's just that hitting 40 means things start falling apart a bit anyhow. But way down deep I'm feeling that my lungs are like an old junker car that you love and keep gimping along but really needs replaced with a new model.

Of course the yogini in me says hey enjoy the wait and live in the present moment. That voice needs to yell at me a little louder too by the way. But sometimes even though I know that's the truth it's hard to listen. And to be honest sometimes you need to feel a little bummed about the realities of what's going on, admit it, embrace it, and then move on. I guess writing this blog today is my way to do that. It's OK for me to be tired, OK to feel frustrated by being so tired, OK to need to vent, and eventually be OK with accepting all of the above and move forward with the rest of life.

For now I'll wait for that acceptance phase and hope as always for the best. Thanks for listening.